澳洲摩登爱情：分手后，我给他写了一封信

这是我在异国他乡第一段亲密关系，也是一段花束般的恋爱。我们在一起一个月多，最后决定分开。分开之后，我决定给他写了一封信。（你可以在Matters搜素我之前发布的文章《澳洲摩登爱情：我喜欢上了一个白男》，了解我的亲密关系）

这是我第一次开始使用英语进行非母语写作，从中有很多表达与语法错误，请各位读者不要介意。写这封信的时候，我的思路无比清晰。对于我而言，这封信不仅是写给他的，也是写给我自己的，写给我逝去的亲密关系，记录我自己在探索亲密关系的思考。

更重要的是，这是我第一次练习用非母语写作。我希望，我的写作能力可以在这之后可以得到更多的提高。终有一天，我可以写给更多跟我一样，在异国他乡挣扎的亚裔女性。她们可以通过我的书写，看到「女人的无穷韧性」。我们从来不是孤岛。

Dear

This is the first letter I am writing to you and this is probably the last one. I told you that I have prepared for a speech and then realized that I have so many things to express so I decided to write a letter to you. Before I tell you what I thought this week, I want to say I am sorry if this makes you feel stressed. I am sorry.

We started at the wrong time. At that time, I came back to Australia and wanted to deal with the Visa as soon as possible. That was the main reason that I wanted to date you and everything changed when we met for the first time. You were such a nerd but I just couldn’t stop sharing everything in my life with you. The night completely changed what I thought before and we had a lot of deep talks since then. I should not tell your friend the reason why I chose you because of my Visa, and in fact, I chose you because of who you are. You are far from perfect, but I always feel calm and completed whenever I am around you. You are so kind, smarter than I thought, and tall like a supermodel, and what makes you so different is that you understood my condition and provided emotional support even though you didn’t feel good. I chose you because of what kind of person you are and this is the main reason I fell in love with you so quickly.

When you decided to break up with me, I couldn’t believe it and never saw that coming. I respected you so I said yes to you and maybe you can find inner peace after this. However, after that night, I kept changing my mind. Part of me wants to give up completely, and part of me tries to figure out what triggered you. I was so upset but did not lose control, and later I asked for help from my friend. One of my friends who is also my family tried to help me sort it out and I called him for some advice.

After talking to him, I realized that maybe I did not put myself in your position again, and again. If it is not too late, please let me apologize for my lack of empathy. I know you have Avoidant personality disorder and I am so naïve that I thought we definitely could deal with it. For god sake, this was too fucking hard and it drove me crazy. However, for people with Avoidant personality disorder, there is so much stress from life, including work and relationships. No matter what I said to you, and especially when we could not see each other, you always felt anxious because you did not how to react. At the same time, you still had to deal with other stress from work and other things. I am sorry that I did not bring you a peaceful life and made your life worse.

Then, I realized that sometimes you just want to be alone and not talk/text anyone, so that you can find your inner peace, and this, actually is the way how you can get your energy back. My personality is so different from yours that I did not realize I crossed your boundary, which made you suffer from a lot of negative emotional feelings. I did listen when you talked to me before, and I did not take it seriously. For that, I am sorry.

Now I understand we want different things. I need you more than you need me, and this is what you mentioned before, which is unfair to me. Also, I was afraid that I would lose you so I had to confirm with you every week, which probably made you start to doubt this relationship and yourself too. I do not think we had no chemistry at all and I believe the connection between us is too strong, so it is hard to end it in this way.

I know you are sad, just like me. You know soul mate won’t show up for no reason, and it is time for us to move on to the next chapter of our life. We both have our priorities: you want to find your inner peace and figure out what you want and who you want to become, and I want to stay in this country forever and go back to the field that I am interested in. That means we should focus on our goals first.

It took me a couple of days to think. Maybe you would think this is a break-up letter, but it is not. I still like you and love you, and I do not want to break up with you. However, we do need to take a break. I told you I felt relieved when you said you wanted to break up. It is not about you at all, and it is about my attitude to a relationship. Because I always believed I was hard to be loved and I was not attractive like I was too short and fat. That is the reason why I confirmed whether you still liked me before. I felt so hurt since I asked you so many times but in the end, you told me it was not a romantic attraction. To be honest, I do not think I should attack myself this time and I am not the one who should be blamed. So I did feel relieved and I did deal with this relationship maturely.

And back to us, I do want to take a break but this is not the end of our relationship. I do not want to break up with you officially. Because the connection between us is too unique, and I do not want to let it go. I agree that we should not see each other frequently, and maybe just once every two weeks or twice a month. And we could hang out or date like friends without thinking about the serious commitment. When we get too close, you just want to run away, which is not good for your mental health. And yes, we do need some space. Meanwhile, I think I should keep myself busy and focus on my Uni life and my plans in Canberra.

Even when I go to Canberra, I still want to maintain this relationship through video calls or phone calls. Because you know more about society than me, and you always can inspire me and guide me. I do need your support and help when I go to a completely new place. Sadly, we did not work out as a couple at the moment, but I still can see there are lots of possibilities between us.

Life is always full of ups and downs. I think the first chapter about us is I wanted to interact with you for a Partner Visa, and when I got the Uni offer, we moved on to the second chapter. And now this is the third chapter, I want to date you as a friend and see how it goes. Without those commitments and responsibilities, we are free and I do not mind if you want to date someone else. Because I still see you as my lifetime partner and my family. And you know family won’t just easily disappear, so I won’t show up and leave in your world. I will be on your side whenever you need me.

But now, we need to take a break and focus on our lives. I still want to talk to you but not every day anymore. Because I know sometimes you just want to be alone and too much information is too intensive for you. So let us start over again and see how it goes. Maybe we are gonna fail this time again, but I am so glad that I try and there is no regret whenever I recall this relationship.

It is time for me to deal with my problems now. I need to pass the IELTS as soon as possible, and maybe get a job later to make a living, so I won’t become a homeless girl in Canberra.

I like you and love you, and I do believe that one day we will get back together. Maybe it is not now and maybe it won’t happen in the future. But thank you for just showing up in my life and offering so much support to me, and I am sorry that I bring you so much uncertainty and anxiety.

Maybe this letter will give you some comfort and ease the sadness.

Love You

Desert Rose

约稿合作：

在澳洲一年多之后，我发现迫切需要写作。比起繁重的体力活，写作是我最擅长的事情，在记录和反思的过程中也可以疗愈自己。如果有需要产出性别、残障、影评、商业软文等文章，非常欢迎来联系我进行合作；我也可以做线上编辑，进行修改和创作文章。

另外，如果有任何媒体机构或者出版机构，对我的故事感兴趣，请一定要联系我。我很想出书，出一本属于自己的书。只有回归中文写作时，我才是我自己。